Missed Connections Monday

A series in which I review Craigslist missed connections ads and try to… help?

Old town Safeway – m4w

Hello, I feel completely asinine for posting this here but know of no other venue to reach out. We crossed paths in the bakery section Friday evening. You looked like you were doing a bit of shopping and I had just gotten out of the gym. We said hello to each other and I can’t get you out of my mind. Are you out there?

Dear Safeway,

First, let me commend you for trying to find your grocery store dream girl. Posting a missed connections advert shows that you’re at least dedicated enough to withstand junk mail to find her, and a man’s willingness to sift through spam messages for the chance at a real connection says something about him. Kudos.

That being said, I’m not sure you’ve followed your logic train the whole way down its tracks. You started by saying, “…I feel completely asinine for posting this here.” If you feel asinine for posting, how do you feel about the people who take the time to read these things? If Sandra (we’re calling your girl Sandra) reads this, she’ll have to admit to being one of those people. Couldn’t you have just said you were feeling vulnerable about telling skulky internet strangers that you caught feelings? No need to belittle those same skulky strangers before they judge you. And if you’re worried Sandra’s judging you, she’s reading your ad, isn’t she?

I don’t mean to start with a negative tone. I actually think you  might have a chance here. You and Sandra were both hanging out in the bread aisle of a Safeway on a Friday night. Hell, you say you don’t have any other means of finding her, but I’d bet you dollars to donuts that you’ve got a solid chance of seeing Sandra again this Friday post-workout if you’re the kind that likes routines.

I have a question, though. Did you tell Sandra you had just been at the gym or were you still wearing your gym clothes? I’m thinking you’re the kind of guy who would feel asinine at the grocery store in sweat-soaked gym shorts. Is this what the kids call a humble brag? Come to think of it, I’m also a little worried that Sandra may not immediately recognize herself by your description. Don’t most people in Safeway look like they’re doing a bit of shopping? Women tend to appreciate men with keen observation skills, so I think I get what you’re trying to accomplish. I just think you may need to dig a little a deeper into your hardrive if you want to hit a homerun.

But hey, you said hello, and that’s like the one thing that women have been trying to get men to start with for years. And now you can’t get Sandra out of your mind. I get it, Safeway. Something happened by the bagel chips that won’t let go of its hold on you, and you’ve sewn those seeds of hope in the fertile soil of Craigslist. To answer your question, yes, she is out there. Only time will tell whether she’ll log on looking for her musky carb-loving other half, but let’s hope she gets the heavily dropped hint that you’d like her to do as much. Best of luck, Safeway.

Bagels & Brioche,

Betty Chestnut

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